Tonight I find myself reminiscing over two relationships that have been over for years now.
It’s crazy though, because both were pretty much the loves of my life.
I still have emails going back for years now of both professing their love for me, but where are they now?
It’s funny how life is. There are days I don’t think about either of them, but it’s nights like these where I’m just hanging back after doing some editing, updating the magazine, I found myself reading an email from a former lover.
The day he told me he loved me was like an event. He had no idea I loved him and I never had the gall to say it, but one day he did and then one day I did. And it seemed to be the beginning of a love story.
While the logistics in this story will not be told (read it in “An Illegal Affair), I will say this, he was and is a very special person.
And then there was the other one. In 2008, after being done with relationships and focused on college, there was a man I would run into, who changed my life entirely. I was in love even before I knew I was in love.
He was the man I closed my eyes so tight when I kissed him. I felt his kisses stole my soul and I let him. I trusted him with my whole body, my mind, my heart. Our sex life was the best I ever had, even till present day, I haven’t met anyone like him who was willing to explore kink and role playing.
But this wasn’t about just the sex.
This was about love.
That adoring type love.
I think about Sex and The City and all the episodes on how each and every character was looking for love and being frustrated at the prospects who came before them. What seemed decent at first, most turned up to be nightmares, or as one meme would state, “the night and shining amour wrapped up in aluminum foil”, which best describes the last fiasco I was in aka ShitShow”.
Relationships do not come easy and hell, I would say the longer you stay single, the higher the standards get.
I feel the longer I stay single, the more selfish I become. I find myself more closed in and harder to share of myself with someone without feeling there will be this terrible end.
I think about the time, I did meet someone new and I have mentioned this particular person on my Unfiltered show a lot last year. I think about how I was then, I made myself extra pretty so he would notice me. I felt good about myself and begin working out more often. Sadly when my position came to an end at the company I worked with him, so did everything else about me and how I was taking care of myself.
There are times I look in the mirror, searching for the real me inside the eyes reflecting back. I don’t recognize myself anymore and letting myself go, well, that doesn’t make me feel any better.
No, I’m not saying I let a man define my feelings of “feeling good”, but we all can say, we have been there we do make ourselves extra pretty because we want the person we’re attracted to appreciate us a little more and….there’s nothing wrong with that.
All in all, I still think, “what went wrong”.
Sure, I have answers for the years past relationships. It’s not what went wrong, but the timings of both relationships were not the best. And maybe under different circumstances this article would be different.
I also have to respect where I was at that time of my life. I felt my feelings were invincible and so, I couldn’t’ get hurt. Shit, my pussy was that fabulous they would be coming back forever.
When it comes to “ShitShow” there’s really nothing to say other than it wasn’t a relationship in the first place. There were MANY things wrong with that.
But when it came to the most recent, I’m still left wondering, what the fuck happened.
I honestly couldn’t say, but I can speculate many of things.
Now someone from the outside looking in will say, “well he was just playing you” (which I told him and he took offense to that comment), others will say he is confused or perhaps he just doesn’t know to express himself. The list goes on….
But I will always go back to, how can anyone be that confused on how or what they feel?
Which leads me back to the beginning, where did I go wrong, not so much as the “we”.
I think when I read back these emails, I miss someone telling me they love me. It’s not so much about that relationship but to have someone say I love you and I can say it back, without fear and without reservations.
Love is scary, but it can also be the most wonderful thing to have with someone.
And for right now, I’m glad I was able to experience it with two men who allowed me to be me.
As for the most recent one….
Did I fall in love with him?
Well in my letter I wrote to him, I told him I didn’t. But…what do you think?
Until then. Take care of you!