Over Analyzing Relationship Mistakes – Good or Bad?
Today I was talking with a very good friend for three hours.
It’s funny because it’s not like we don’t keep up with each other every day, but it was a conversation much needed for the both of us.
We began to share about our relationships and what we learn about ourselves while in relationships. While she was discussing her challenges, I shared with her the major issues I had with the person I was last involved with, if that’s what you want to call it.
Like her and many others, have all asked me the same question when I discussed the core issues, “Why”[did I stay]?
I don’t want to go into a whole long drawn backstory, but in short, I stayed in this fiasco longer than I should have. In a few short weeks, the relationship went from bliss to a downward spiral and my attraction or what I thought was attraction went to zero instantaneously. After a series of events, I knew this was a person I had no plans to spend the rest of my life with.
I won’t deny we did have some good times, but the bad ones outweighed the good at a rapid speed. As I kept a mental pros and cons list in my head, my cons list outweighed any positive of longevity. As a matter of fact, there wasn’t any more room in my brain left to add to the negative aspects of what was wrong with this relationship.
I’ll be honest, something I never really talked about.
When he moved out here, he didn’t think to ask my permission to bring something. That something would be a gun. Now before you think anything, no, he didn’t sneak it in crossing the border from Canada. Being the “proper” person, he filed an application with the ATF, and what they do (in case you don’t know) once the application is approved, it is shipped in an container to their offices in pieces, for which you have to bring identification in order to pick up the property.
I believe the box arrived and he had it for a few days before disclosing he had them shipped. To say, I wasn’t happy about this was an understatement. It was a violation and lack of respect of my space.
“ShitShow” as I now refer to him, had bigger problems than I imagined.
Some of them were pretty apparent early on in the relationship, like the lack of sex and intimacy and the big ego, but the bigger ones became clear after he was gone.
In the time we were “together” and as the relationship deteriorated, I didn’t have the heart to tell anyone, not even my closest friends, how truly unhappy I was. Only one person knew the truth of my unhappiness and my concerns. This was someone I had come to know online and ended up becoming a good friend. He was going through a similar process of having met and fell in love with someone while vacationing in Thailand and now going through the visa process so they can get married. I figured, he would be the most understanding, only because of our “unique” situation. The only difference was, he was in love with his future wife and I was trapped in hell with someone I began to despise and found completely gross.
When my parents and I made an investment and purchased a house, he went along for the ride, of course and while I envisioned us blessing the house, (you know what I mean), sex became something of a task. He would take a shower, come out of the bathroom, fully dressed with pajama pants, a tee shirt and socks, roll into the bed, under the blankets and lay there and wait for me to do all the work. There was not one bone of excitement.
WTF? I thought to myself. Every man I have been with were always willing participants, ripping our clothes off as we made our way to my bed. This was the complete opposite. It had to be a bad joke, or maybe it was some sort of karma for not being a willing participant in a past relationship.
And then, the times he did have sex were the times I would be fast asleep, only to be awaken by him, shoving himself inside me, while he cried [literal tears] asking for forgiveness for being so small. I can only speculate the reasoning for this behavior was because I no longer had a desire to have sex with someone who had intimacy issues and didn’t like sex. I would just close my eyes and wait for it to be over. Seriously.
When it was clear to me this man had zero interest in sex, not just with me but anyone in general, I began to replay conversations we had via video chat or on the phone about how all of his relationships ended, actually had all the same endings. At some point, all four of them, were either cheating or left him for someone they wanted to have sex with.
In addition to the lack of intimacy, he had a victim mentality of all that went wrong in his life. It was the neighbor’s fault he could no longer be a mechanic because he stole all his tools and one day he was going to make him disappear, it was the employer’s fault he lost his job, it was the people who confiscated his property because he lost his job because he couldn’t pay for it. I took psychology courses; it was no longer a mystery I was seeing narcissism at work. I’ve also been clean and sober for the last 27 years (at the time, I am now 29 years sober), so I was able to see the self-centered behavior alive and well in him.
His narcissistic attitude made him upset that I spent too much time writing or working on my magazine when I should take the time out to play video games, My video gaming ended in the late 80s. It was no surprise to him who I was and what I do for a living so why did it become a problem?
After all, drinking every day, smoking cigarettes and sleeping were top priority. And who was paying for those habits, ones I gave up years ago, because someone couldn’t get a job. And when he did get side work, did I ever see or hear a “thank you, go pick something nice for yourself.”
And…. when my parents finally arrived to live in their new home with me and enjoy retirement life, the living nightmare began and my parents were clear this was not the person they saw me marrying and coming into our family.
So from September 2017 to January of 2019, I lived day to day figuring out how to get rid of man who had a disdain for people, who had no issues discussing how he planned on getting rid of the man who “stole his tools” and how his own country turned their back on him when all his legal problems arose, all in the meantime, taking not one responsibility for his behavior. Not one.
It came to a point I had to tell him I needed a break. This was not a clue to pack his things and leave as we co-existed in this house, taking space in a spare bedroom, rent free, all the while complaining about my father and his music (while I must confess, being Puerto Rican, I can understand the idea of horns and cowbell are not my style of music) the fact was, this was their house.
He disrespected my mother as if she was a nuisance and yes she can be LOL, but that’s MY mother.
But when the day came where my mom made a stupid comment to him which was supposed to be in jest (and it wasn’t, because my mom doesn’t think before she opens her mouth) about using her salad dressing without asking her and his response was, “I shoot back”, marked the moment this man was exiting stage left.
I was not planning on having my story told on Investigation Discovery that I was shot to death while I was sleeping or my parents for that matter. Every day I went to work, I text my parents to make sure they were okay and checked on them several times throughout the day to make sure they were safe. I no longer trusted this vile person who presented himself out to be someone successful and loving. It was the complete opposite of who I thought he was. I didn’t want to express my concerns to my parents and have them more paranoid then they were already. I think I was more afraid then I led to be, let alone the few I shared with on that particular incident were also concerned.
Even at the end, after I finally told him he had to leave since he was overstaying his time in the U.S., when he purchased a car so he can drive back to Canada, he made up a sob story about having an enlarged prostate and it was the reason why we couldn’t have sex, never seeing I lost interest a long time ago. Of course, he cried telling that story as well. That performance definitely put him as a contender for an academy award.
The day he left, as he cried about leaving, while in the same breath telling me how it’s not my parents fault but they played a part into the ending of our relationship and lost 15 pounds because of it, after I locked the door behind him, I went into the room he was taking up space and was stunned. It wasn’t trashed; however, he was living in that room as some kind of a homeless person, having plastic bags filled with empty bottles of alcohol and chicken bones as well as other garbage. I got rid of it because the last thing I wanted to hear was my arrogant mother’s mouth throwing my mistakes at me (she’s another story, trust me I’ll write about it).
When he was gone, I was initially sad. But it gave me pause to enjoy him not being there anymore. Not being a pest asking me for change like a bum in the street begging for change to buy cigarettes. I couldn’t wait to get home from work to begin creating what is now my new studio. Over the next few weeks, I changed my bedroom around, discarding everything he left behind as if he was going to come back. It was a moment I had, as I was fixing my new office/studio, even if he had straightened himself out, got a job and took responsibility, it wasn’t like I was going to be greeted by a changed person.
I was still going to be greeted by a miserable person, who didn’t know how to laugh or be happy. He was a liar about who he was and after just accidentally catching different television programming about con artists, only made me realize, he was one too.
Narcissism is a disease. It’s some form of a twisted behavior which prevents anyone from seeing and taking responsibilities of their own actions and behaviors of their failures and making an effort to learn from those mistakes. A narcissist blames everything wrong with their lives on external circumstances. “If this person didn’t do this to me, things would be different”.
It was a victim mentality of consistently pointing fingers at others for his failures, crying at the drop of a dime by watching things to deliberately upset himself, while creating scenarios of emotions of things in my life in the past, I moved on from, so he can play the hero in my life to be there for me, “in my time of need”, literally, things I cannot explain.
When anyone thinks of a man crying, one can say, well he’s sensitive, or wow he’s showing emotions. But this wasn’t the case. It was something strange and mentally wrong. But when he got angry, the look in his eyes changed, especially the night he threatened my mother.
There wasn’t just one “why”, it took so long for me to get rid of him. There were many reasons why I had to take the steps I took to remove him from here to ensure my safety and the safety of my parents.
When he arrived back to his country of Canada, it seemed he had his life coming together, finding a job quickly and finding a place to live. Of course, he wasted no time sending me pictures of a car and an RV he wished to purchase, a night out having sushi and drinks, etc. No, I certainly didn’t expect for any monies to fling my way. As a matter of fact, when I asked for monies back in return for money I spent on him, he flatly refused, he claimed it was insulting and I should have thought of that before I asked him to leave, he would have gladly paid me (with no job mind you).
Yes, he seriously said that.
Feeling safe enough to send him an email putting an end to the relationship, no “breaks or I need more time”, just an end, the next day, I received a scathing email from him how he got into a car accident, running a red light because he was angry after reading my email and now he had no car and how was he going to get to work and how this was all my fault. Another confirmation, as if I needed anymore, this was not a relationship I was ending. I was ending a con job I refused to take part in.
I have sat and analyzed this, whatever it’s called, time and time again. When someone comes into your life, it’s new and wonderful and the sex is great because you’re so fucking horny after talking for a few months if it’s long distance or whatever the situation may be.
But when real life begins, and you’re physically together, how you communicate with one another and making compromises is what makes the foundations of a relationship. Instead of meeting a 51-year-old man, I met an immature, spoiled 17-year-old (mentally) stuck in a world of being victimized, never understanding the value of humility because he had all the answers. The world was wrong and he was right. There was no shame in his behavior, after all, how would a narcissistic asshole recognize there’s anything wrong?
Look at who’s running the country. Same shit, different person, but same behavior.
People can read this and think to themselves, “Oh I would have just packed his stuff and changed the locks”. That’s all well and good but again, I wasn’t having Investigation Discovery tell my story. You never truly understand someone’s fear until you’re living in it and begin to understand why, for some people, you can’t just get up and leave or in my case, pack the bags and get rid of them.
Even after all that around Christmas time of last year, he sent me an email wishing me happy holidays. I was reluctant to answer back since it had been ten months he was gone and by then I had met someone new.
Sadly I did and it only followed another banter of angry words on his part, even going as far as listening to my radio shows and sending me an email, “Now I am to be used for your radio show….Here are the fact, avoid them or whatever, your loss”
I will end with this. I recalled a conversation I had with someone a while back when she was talking about her wedding and the vows they took. I went back to my desk and it sunk in so deeply what those vows really mean. It was at that point, the idea of a wedding, having my father walk me down the isle to give me away to such a disgusting and vile person who only thought of themselves and exchanging those words, vomiting would have been a much more pleasant experience.
We can analyze to our hearts content about our life decisions, but it won’t change what was obvious, it won’t delete the relationship and what happened. I can only take it as a learning experience, using it as a reference point if someone like that ever tries to step into my life again.
It’s not worth the time and pain to analyze. Save your time to live, love, laugh.