When Cheating Isn’t the Problem
As most of you know, I’m a big Howard Stern fan. I get most of my information on what to discuss from his show, other than viewing social media “trending” topics, where now people have smartened up and use those hashtags to promote their own shit.
Needless to say, a woman calls into the show, to discuss her relationship. A guy she’s been with for quite some time and had cheated on her some years prior, she confessed to spying on his phone to see if there were any unscrupulous texting. As Howard probes questions like asking her if she’s hot, etc., it was then it hit me, that no matter how much a woman can feel confident about herself, it doesn’t take away the insecurity she may feel in a relationship.
While we may not always think we are hot women walking around with every man desiring our bodies and worshipping the ground we walk on, when it comes to relationships, there are real insecurities some of us aren’t really discussing.
Cheating is one topic I have experience in the past. I don’t think there was ever one partner I was with where someone didn’t go outside of our relationship and that’s just a nice way of putting it.
When Howard even posed the question, if she was “hot”, as he put it, then why would she stay in the relationship.
There’s a variety of answers for that.
One, the longevity of a relationship plays a big factor. The longer we stay with someone, the easier we find excuses to stay in it. And I’m not talking about abuse (just to be clear), I’m talking about the idea of mistrust that has occurred in a relationship where a partner may find, it’s better to stay with the person as oppose to starting over with someone else and having to trust that new person.
Second and another big factor are finances, especially if you have invested in properties or have children. People aren’t quick to walk away when it comes that shit, unless they wind up on the Investigation Discovery Network, that’s a whole other ball game.
While some women can get wrapped up in finding a faux confidence in a relationship believing their partner is their whole life, most women will find their confidence within their careers and the empire they’ve built to improve their lives, along with having supportive friends and family members.
And before anyone gets their panties in a bunch thinking, “I’ll kick his ass if he ever goes with another woman”, this isn’t about you but friends I’ve encountered in the past who have stayed in relationships which clearly was unhealthy in many ways.
While most of society can blame a man who can’t control himself, it mostly has to do with the lack of self-esteem anyone can believe there isn’t someone better for them.
Let’s use me for an example, although it doesn’t relate to cheating, it relates to the self-esteem, which, if you haven’t figured out by now, is part of this article.
The last disaster I was in, back in mid-2017 to early 2019, started off as something, “romantic”. Although the “relationship” began online for about four months of talking, whether on the phone or video chat, I mentioned my lack of confidence since I gained weight and no matter how much I complained, even though I knew there was something I can do about it, it seemed he accepted who I was, no matter how big or how small.
I had reservations about the longevity of the relationship. I felt I was leading the whole time and I didn’t have a really strong man who was going to truly stand by me. Even with the reservation, the other side of me was thinking I was being too judgmental and harsh, because, quite honestly, there were a lot of things about him physically which wasn’t my type. My thought process went, if you met someone who is as accepting as you are, then you should do the same, and so therefore, that’s what I did.
It wasn’t until he arrived here, I slowly began to realize I had made a terrible mistake. While sometimes things were good, maybe something we saw online that made us laugh, 98% of the time, he didn’t make me happy.
But I kept at it, thinking all the while, maybe he will change his attitude, be less mad, less impatient, less rude, more sexual and more romantic.
None of that happened.
There were behaviors which were bizarre to me and it wasn’t until recently, I guesstimated why those behaviors occurred, especially when it came to sex, the few times that did occur.
I also realized I had a better relationship with my Doc Johnson vibe than I did with him. It was fulfilling, it didn’t talk back, I would achieve some of the best orgasms, roll over and go to sleep.
So, my point being, why did I stay in this disaster for as long as I did? Mostly due to my self-esteem and making myself believe there were things I couldn’t do without him, like drive for example. I really didn’t start driving until I moved out here to Arizona. Living in NYC my entire life, I seriously didn’t believe I would need a license and drive.
I also felt terrible that this man uprooted his life to move out here to Arizona to make a life with me and in the same heartbeat, this man uprooted his miserable life so he can live, rent free and be lazy, and not work, under the roof of an enormous house, while being rude to my aging parents, that was a big NO for me.
It was in those moments, I began taking my power back, because after all, did I really “need him”. Was our disaster worth me staying in something that wasn’t giving me anything in return and was only making me feel worse about myself?
Deep down inside, I knew this man wasn’t the long-term supportive partner I was looking for to spend the rest of my life with.
When I took my reigns back and told him he had to leave, was the day, my life began again.
And I never looked back since then.
But if women feel good about themselves, why on earth would they spend their life with someone they don’t trust, even if their partner may not be cheating on them?
Relationships are not easy. This is probably the reason why I have strayed away from them. But when you stay in one long enough thinking, “well I’ve been with him for this long”, or “I don’t feel like starting over with someone else”, it’s like robbing yourself from having a real healthy relationship experience.
I may have taken the high road and ended something that should have ended sooner rather than later but, in the same breath, I also, may be robbing myself from someone who can potentially be a wonderful life partner, due to my inability to trust my choices of picking a partner who’s actually a good person.
Men are complex beings, but yet, can be so simplistic. Some men may not ask for much, while others want a porn star in their bed. It all depends on what you desire in a partner and not think to yourself, “well if he wants a porn star in his bedroom and I’m not that turned up when it comes to sex but I’ll change him”, guess what honey, he will be cheating on you in no time.
And it’s not because he’s a notorious cheater, it’s because men will be honest from the beginning, at least more are. I’ve dated a man who had no desire for a serious commitment, and I thought I could change that and I didn’t.
I wanted to bring up this topic, due to the fact, every time I go on Twitter, I see women discussing their bodies in a negative way, solely seeking the attention of approval from strangers to feel okay with themselves.
It’s sad to see, because what would we do if we didn’t have this online “resource” in order to feel good about ourselves? We desire to be an open book on social media, yet when it comes to intimate relationships, we place unrealistic conditions, and choose partners who are in no way, shape or form, a person who is healthy for us in the first place, and then pretend everything is just fine.
I wanted to get this out in the open, not to chastise but to inform and have a better understanding of we are as humans.
Yes, we will have good experiences as well as bad ones, but the bad ones shouldn’t make or break us into something we don’t want to be. We are still ‘us’, and the only way someone can take that away is if we let them.
On a side note, I just finished catching up on all 9 episodes, thus far, of Shahs of Sunset and I’ll be writing about everyone in separate articles, especially on Mike and Reza, as they are prime examples from parts of his article.
Remember, we are not perfect beings and neither are our partners. But when our partners take us to a place of uncertainty, keep in mind, it’s not something that just appeared years later, it was already present, we were just blinded by “love” to see the truth.
Until then. Take Care of You!